I think I won the penis lottery.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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