I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
