Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
