did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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