I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
