I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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