Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I will be naked everywhere
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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