I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
