He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
