so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
