can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
