There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
