Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
