I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
