i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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