Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Floor bacon is actually really good
COCAINE IS GR8
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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