So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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