He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
