I skipped work to stalk him.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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