He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
