dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
