the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
