so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
