I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
