don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
