you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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