I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
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I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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