The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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