Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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