I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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