How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Jerry, you need to find god
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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