so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
