I accidentally had phone sex last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
