I think my fart just growled at me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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