i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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