woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
