You just made me feel so damn special
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
