come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Randomize
