Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
