he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
