My room smells like vodka and shame
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
as a side note pls kill me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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