hotel room ftw
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
