mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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