PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
