Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
