Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
