I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
