Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
