so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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