OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
