from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
