I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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