There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
