Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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