I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
