you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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