Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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