I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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