it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
