Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
