Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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