I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
