My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Alive.
So much puke
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
